I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
