my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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