I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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