She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
