So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
