Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
