Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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