Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
