im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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