I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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