I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
