I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
True but thats because hes a fetus.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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