He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
