I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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