i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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