dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
