I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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