tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
