you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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