and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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