before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
