I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
