My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize