we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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