somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
