Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
