We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Randomize
