I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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