How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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