I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
