...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
