I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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