12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
