So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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