I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
