I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
