i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
