My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
