Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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