You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
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New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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