I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
