yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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