i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
