you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
