at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize