Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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