ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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