in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
