That's when you crack a 10am beer
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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