"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
