legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
