YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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