I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
