If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's never too late to be topless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
