Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Never underestimate the power of titties
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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