we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
